Why is it so difficult to have strong relationships? In self-help, so many gurus encourage us to have strong bonds for all kinds of reasons. Some for the sake of picking up various traits that can enhance your life—like the power of association. In other cases, it’s a technique that is useful for living a longer life.
We don’t really need science, let alone gurus telling us at every opportunity that we need to have strong relationships with people. But at the same time, when we try to form them, we find it very challenging to do so.
On one end, it’s a massive commitment. A report from 2018 suggests it can take upwards of 90 hours to be a friend and over 200 hours to be a close friend. And working on a job together doesn’t count towards those hours either.
Then there is life itself and all of your other commitments. Going out for a night on the town with friends is harder to do if you have a kid to look after, work the next day, or something else on the go.
At the end of the day, building strong bonds with people is one of those challenges where finding the time to do so is the challenge and not the act itself. And gurus many times over have provided all kinds of tips and advice on how to be developing strong relationships with people.
So here are some that I think are most important when developing strong relationships with people.
Know Why We Abandon Relationships
Adulthood is a time when our circle of friends shrinks dramatically, and it’s understandable. We figure out quickly who we like to be around and who we don’t like to be around. We also go through several changes ourselves and we move out of people’s lives.
It’s not something we should obsess over, but knowing why we create abandoned relationships in the first place can help a lot. Here are some other common factors.
Growing As A Person
From our teenage years to adulthood, we grow and change a lot during that period. But even during adulthood, we can continue to change and grow too. As such, that natural drifting apart is innevitable, as we just grow out of the people we surround ourselves with.
Fortunately, this is one of these factors that we can handle when forming strong relationships with people. One can easily bridge this gap by seeing this as a growing opportunity.
Lifestyle Changes
Similar to growing as a person, lifestyle changes can also be a factor. You might’ve had more free time before, but with your new promotion and more demanding work, you don’t have that free time any longer. That, or perhaps you took up a new diet that forbids you from going to your usual dining spot with friends.
These sorts of things can create tensions, but much like our overall growth, you can handle this challenge too. Primarily by looking at your schedule and finding another time where you could make the time.
Needs Aren’t Being Met
Whether it’s your social needs not being met or a change in them, this tends to be the challenge most gurus focus on. When trying to improve your life and “surround yourself with better people,” the focus is finding people that can meet your needs.
All the while not talking about what your social needs could be.
In the end, when you feel like your social needs aren’t being met, it’s worth taking the time to figure out your needs and adjust the dynamic of your relationship with that person. Not necessarily burning that bridge per se, but engaging it from a different angle.
That or telling the person straight up what you’re looking to gain from this friendship.
Your Interests Don’t Mix
Common ground is everything for strong relationships, but that isn’t always clear cut. Your personalities might jive with one another, but if you don’t have the same values or interests, it can be difficult to start up conversations. It can also be challenging if every activity planning or conversation requires you to avoid certain places or topics at all times.
Be Okay With Strong Relationships (Or Any Relationship) To Drift Apart
Even with knowing those things about abandoned relationships, another key thing to keep in mind with friendships is that they’re not always meant to last forever.
This doesn’t mean you should not care when someone drifts away eventually. But simultaneously, you shouldn’t obsess about getting back together with someone as if your life depended on it.
You can mend and reforge strong relationships, but it’s well worth considering whether it’s possible and worth it. As mentioned, building a strong relationship takes a lot of time, and now might not be the best time to do that. That said, if you do have time, here are some other things to consider when building and maintaining friendships.
Tips To Forming Strong Relationships With Others
Create Time Together
Online or offline, both require some bit of time to stay in touch with one another to go anywhere. As such, an overall good rule of thumb is to schedule time with them. Schedule a call with them or a time when you are completely free. Beyond that, sending them a message to let them know you’re thinking about them is great too. Especially if the last time you spoke, they were in a bind.
Be Honest And Open With Each Other
Emotions are messy, and they can also create a lot of strain on relationships. For one, we wish that we always have good and positive vibes around the people we hang out with, but life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes we’re in a tough spot mentally or emotionally for one reason or another.
And that’s okay.
For bonds to become stronger, there needs to be trust. And like any intimate relationship, your friends should know what’s going on in your life. The only way that’s going to happen is if you’re honest and open with one another.
Yes, it makes you vulnerable. Yes, it’s an uncomfortable experience, especially if you learn that the potential friend you’re opening up to is insensitive.
But I’d argue that this option is better than keeping emotions bottled up and never figuring out the answer. After all, a quality of forming a strong bond is to be honest and open so that both of you can work on the issue together.
Strong Relationships Need Care
Care takes on different forms. Some of it is being their pillar when they’re in hard times. But in other cases, it’s sharing something you’re passionate about or find amusing. Share memes or a content creator you like. Find little things to express to them you’re thinking of them.
That or tell them straight up you care about them.
Actually Listen To Them
The phrase has been repeated so many times, but I have to say it:
Don’t listen to people in order to respond to them. Listen to them to take in their words and process later.
It’s still challenging to do for a number of reasons. We love to talk and connect, and some of us really love to blab and engage with other people. But strong relationships are formed when we both get a sense for one another and we have the opportunities to speak to one another.
So if you have a tough time shutting up, it’ll pay to try to learn how to do that better and practice listening.
Share New Experiences Together
Whether it’s doing something you never did before or it’s something familiar, sharing experiences as a whole is meaningful in forming strong relationships. They’re meant to be fun after all, and making a point of doing something different once in a while gives a chance to bond with someone further.
Go on a trip together somewhere, sign up for an expedition or class together, or maybe do something different from your usual weekend outings. Variation helps a lot, and you might just find a new regular activity to do.
Strong Relationships Need Support And Enouragement
This naturally extends towards those rough moments, for sure. A bad breakup, getting fired, or some unfortunate health news, for example. Being there for your friend is one way to strengthen that relationship.
However, this can also extend to things not as serious. Whether it’s announcing a new project, a new job, or feeling nervous or anxious about something, having support and encouragement from a friend can make all the difference. Knowing someone is in your corner and invested in your best interests can be a game changer mentally.
And so showing signs of that to your friend and conveying that can ensure improved behaviour over time. This is on top of forming a stronger relationship.
It’s Worth It To Have Strong Relationships
Strong relationships are everything in life, and fortunately there isn’t any secret to forming them. As we get older, it can be difficult to maintain the relationships we have. But it’s knowing this fact that can spur us on to make the most of our relationships.
In the end, even if you don’t form a strong bond with someone, having these values and virtues in your life will ensure that when someone does stick around, they’ll be in for a treat. And so will you.
To your growth!
Eric S Burdon